i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
