If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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