There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
