So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
