I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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