Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
