it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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