this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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