Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
