My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
