I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
