So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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