On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
