I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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