My first STD was from a foam party
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
