I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize