I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
