isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
