Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
