True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
