whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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