Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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