My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Enjoy the penises
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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