if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
