Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize