The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
