Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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