i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize