just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
