dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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