A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
