she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Randomize
