So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
