so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
