Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
