Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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