so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
