I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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