all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
