She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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