I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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