Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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