the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
