Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
