I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
