My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
