make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
worst night to have a conscience
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
