he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
