Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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