Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
