I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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