Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize