you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
