Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
