As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
