theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
