u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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