M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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