well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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