Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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