I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
