Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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