How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
