we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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