he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize