Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
