Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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