Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize